Why St. Louis is the best city in the universe.

About a month ago, BuzzFeed published this heinous article on the aforementioned website, heralding Chicago as “second to no city.” But just for the record, we were here first, which makes us number one. And we intend to stay that way. So allow us to present…

Why St. Louis is the Best City in the Universe (Yes, Universe)

Obviously we could write an entire dissertation on the subject, but this is the shortlist. Space is limited. So here it goes.

St. Louisans are number one when it comes to bird watching because the Cardinals undeniably rock. They won the World Series two years ago (also in ’06, ’82, ’67, and the list goes on), and they have the best record in baseball this season. We wouldn’t expect them to disappoint.

We love to drink! Of course there’s Anheuser-Busch/InBev, but we are also host to a burgeoning craft beer scene. St. Louis boasts a total of 24 craft breweries within a two-hour radius of the city, and that number is growing. We even give beer its own weeklong celebration during the summer.

 And what goes great with specialty beer? Specialty food!

  • Toasted ravioli – making ravioli delicious for 66 years.
  •  Provel cheese – great on pizza, great in mac and cheese, and great at being “not even legally cheese.”
  • Gooey butter cake – tastes so good it’s worth the clogged arteries.
  • Pork steak – because regular steak was too healthy.
  • Pizza – like Pi Pizzeria, a favorite feast of the first lady, Michelle Obama. And we can't forget about the St. Louis favorite - Imo's.
  • Ted Drewes – the only place where parents will line up in lemming-like mobs with their three-year-old children to buy delicious frozen confectionaries till 10:00pm on a school night.

Of course, there’s the places you’ll go

  • The Zoo – One of the top 10 in the nation, and it’s free!
  • Forest Park – Bigger than Central Park by 33% and home of the 1904 World’s Fair as well as a bunch of free events all summer long.
  • The City Museum – The world’s largest playground for big kids and the leading cause of heart attacks in St. Louis mothers.
  • The Magic House – The world’s largest indoor playground for little kids and the second leading cause of heart attacks in St. Louis mothers.
  • The Arch – The Gateway to the West. It’s like half of a McDonald’s logo, except gray, made out of steel, really tall, and almost nothing like the McDonald’s logo at all.
  • The Loop – One of the 10 greatest streets in America.
  • The Botanical Gardens – Offering free concerts, free smells, and free Instagram subject matter all summer long.

And there’s 200 years of architectural magnificence spread throughout several different boroughs, each with its own flavor, charm, and character. 

There’s the people you’ll meet

  • Ozzie Smith – Word on the street is that he was pretty good at baseball or something.
  • Chuck Berry – he’s still rockin’ and rollin’ all night long at Blueberry Hill.
  • Cedric the Entertainer – you can’t just jam “the entertainer” onto the end of your name if you haven’t earned it.
  • Yogi Berra – “half the lies they tell about him aren’t true.”
  • Don Draper Jon Hamm – we hear he’s still rooting for his hometown teams  
  • Jenna Fischer – she was Pam on The Office…need we say more?
  • Andy Cohen – the Executive VP of Bravo, who deserves his fair share of bravos for being one of the first openly gay talk show hosts.
  • That dude you went to high school with. Speaking of which…where did you go to high school?

Oh, and let’s not forget the cost of living.  The average cost of living in St. Louis is well below the national average which means a studio apartment is large enough that you can actually stretch out your arms and not touch both walls of the apartment at the same time AND it won’t cost you an arm, a leg, and your first-born son to rent.

So to anyone out there who wants to try to tell us that their city is “second to none” you clearly haven’t been to the Lou and we feel bad for you.